Tuesday, August 31, 2004

In the interest of equal time and fear of being smashed, Song of the Suburbs presents...


Hello friends on internet! Hulk here! Hulk talk to you today about politics. Hulk hear old joke about politics being old Greek word meaning "many bloodsucking insects," but Hulk not get it. Hulk smash puny political science professor who not tell Hulk how to get elected King of America! Puny professor say "No, Hulk! America have no king! Please not hit puny professor no more!" or something like that. Hulk not sure what professor say after that. Hulk chased out of university by Army! Stupid Army always on Hulk's case! BAH! Hulk just want learn politics! That so difficult to understand? Oh, where was Hulk just now? HAH! Hulk remember now! Hulk talk politics!

Okay, Hulk know that presidential race VERY important in 2004. To Hulk, come down to two main issues. Defense spending and school vouchers. HA! Hulk fool you! Hulk only care about defense spending! Hulk like defense spending, think it very important to have strong military force. If Hulk elected, Hulk promise to increase size of military forces by fity kajillion percent. Hulk also add more gama bombs to arsenal, tell Iran to shove nuclear fuel up mullah's turbans. Something like that. Hulk make sure to not allocate funds to General "Thunderbolt" Ross, that for sure! Ha! Hulk kill Hulk with jokes! Killing no laughing matter, though. Hulk understand foreign policy. Foreign countries say "Rargh! Foreign leaders not like America! Hope America smashed for impudence!" Now, Hulk like a good smash every now and then, but saying America need smashing like saying income tax is fun thing to pay! Hulk hate taxes! HULK SMASH TAXES! HULK DESTROY PUNY IRS!!! HULK-- wait, Hulk not done yet. Hulk summarize by say Hulk increase size and force projection capability of armed forces. What that? Hulk not run for President? Hulk not on ballot?

Hulk go have a good cry now.

Okay, Hulk back!

Now, Hulk talk domestic policy. Hulk understand need for sound environmental policy. Hulk not understand why Green Party only look out for trees and not Hulk. Hulk green, too! Hulk go to Green Party treehouse fort, er, headquarters and say "Puny Greens not green at all! All pink, tan or brown! Need Hulk to help image!" Puny man at Green headquarters say not need Hulk help. Hulk say Hulk lead Green Party now. Puny policy wonk say "Green Party already have leader!" Hulk smash puny policy wonk and search for Leader. How hard it to find Leader? Leader green like Hulk, but has big green forehead and snazzy mustache! Hulk want snazzy mustache too! Hulk like word "snazzy!" Make hulk feel snazzy! HULK SNAZZY!!! Rargh! Hulk forget what Hulk talk about!

Hulk also watching Senate race in Illinois carefully. Hulk not understand why Alan Keyes having meltdown and being loudmouth. Keyes not talk policy, just answer questions with questions.

This very confusing for Hulk.

Hulk not hear about Obama, but if Obama not in Hulk face, Hulk not smash. Also, Hulk think Illinoisan should serve Illinois. Keyes not Illinoisan. Hulk think Illinois Republicans not look to center of party for candidates. Oberweis good, and want keep green cards rare. Hulk not mind being rare. Make Hulk stand out! McKenna nice puny human, good with business. Hulk also think Republican state senators like Wendell Jones and Larry Bomke make good US senators. They understand politics better, and decent guys to boot. Hulk dig that.

In all, politics too tough for Hulk. Hulk go smash supervillains like Doctor Doom and Michelin Man to save America. Hulk good at smashing.


Uhm, yeah. A few random thoughts from the Hulk. Note: This is the only time I'll let superheroes borrow my blog...

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